ANTICELLULAR

Planetary mechanics of my ex:
There is no God
The sun stays where it is
The Earth revolves around me
I revolve around my cellphone

What is it with people and cell phones? As I was scarfing down a piece of pizza today, I saw a girl and a guy sitting at a table together. Everything seemed normal except for one thing: He was sitting there staring off into space while she was yacking away on her () I was like what the h..? I don't even understand it. Why do people think that they are so important that they need to be contactable AT ALL TIMES? They're going off in movies, they're going off in classrooms, they're going off in church, in malls, in buses, people just walk around talking on them like if they hung up they would die. Like, drop dead in their tracks. Like that blonde joke where the blond goes to get her hair cut and she is wearing headphones and tells the stylist to cut around them and then when the blond falls asleep the stylist takes off the headphones, puts them on her ears and hears "Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale..."
Its is annoying as hell. They'll be walking down the hall and you're walking behind them, when HAAAAAAALT they stop, you rearend them, or sideswipe them and collide with someone else, all because of some stupid text-message or stupid ringtone going off.

OH
MY
GOSH
DO NOT
GET ME STARTED
ON THE RINGTONES.

I'm not even gonna..yeah.....we're just gonna leave that...
Ex friends (aka friends of my ex) used to ask me why I didn't have a cellphone. I said no one calls me when I'm at home, why would I pay $50+ a month just to be rejected on a minute to minute basis? Then they would say, "If you had a cellphone, I'd call you." Two words but I'll only give you the acronymical version, and also the initials(ironically) of a washed up trailer-trash pop singer: BS
I've seen the built in phone books. The lists hundreds of names long. They don't even know half the people. It's like people on MSN. They're online, but you never talk to them. You block them because you don't want to, you set your online status to "away" to avoid annoying IM's. Why not just block and delete? Because somewhere, somehow, SOMEDAY you MIGHT call them or they MIGHT call you, and you will NEED for the sake of YOUR LIFE, to have an up-to-the-minute call display. I gasp as I slowly fathom the potential catastrophes that could arise from being unprepared for such a situation. 9/11 and hurricane Catrina got nuthin on that.